


The Diary of Ben Solo

by Narcissus_rose



Series: The Archives [5]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Bisexual Ben Solo, But nobody is raped, Character Death, Character Study, Diary/Journal, Dreams and Nightmares, Fix-It, Fluff, Force Bond (Star Wars), Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Jedi Ben Solo, Multi, Mutual Pining, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, References to Ancient Greek Religion & Lore, Some Romantic Fluff, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Fix-It, The Fall of Ben Solo, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Visions in dreams, author has not read the rise of kylo ren and you can tell
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 22:55:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29409417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Narcissus_rose/pseuds/Narcissus_rose
Summary: Before there was Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader of the First Order, there was Ben Solo, a tormented Jedi.Plagued by nightmares, visions of a girl he feels he should know and voices in his head, he feels as if he has nobody to turn to.This is his diary.
Relationships: Ben Solo/Original Male Character(s), Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: The Archives [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1884244
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9
Collections: Queerly Beloved Reylo Fics





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hello everybody! before we begin I just want to say that this story is very connected to the others in this series, but you do not have to read them to for this story to make sense. for a quick summary of the series: fuck TROS, Ben lives, Hux is a bastard and secret relationships. 
> 
> I will say from the get-go that if you want a guaranteed happy ending you should read the others in the series because I'm still on the fence as to whether I should add a footnote from ben telling the reader that he is happy with his life at the end or just leave it with his final entry.
> 
> I should also warn that this fic does get very dark at points and there is a lot of violence in his nightmares and some visions of the future.
> 
> I also want to say that I haven't read the rise of Kylo Ren so for the sake of consistency I have ignored it all together because my knowledge of it is so spotty that it would do more harm than good for the story.

_ [Third Republic Historical Archives] _

**Item:** diary

**Date:** 27-28 ABY

**Affiliation:** Jedi Order

**Occupation:** Jedi 

**Location:** Yavin IV

**Name:** Ben Solo

**Sex:** Male 

_ [this diary belonged to Ben Solo, formerly Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, during the last days of the Second Jedi Order before his fall to the darkside] _

_ [This was discovered after a trip taken by Ben Solo and his wife to Yavin IV for personal reasons not disclosed to the archive] _

Entry 1:

I’m going to start this off by saying that this is not a diary.

I’m not really sure why I’m writing this. I think I just need something to do in my hut that also keeps uncle Luke off my back. It's also a good way to practise my calligraphy and to be honest I’m getting tired of rewriting old plays and poems.

I suppose I should begin this by saying something about myself.

My name is Ben Solo, I’m twenty-two and am currently training to become a Jedi at my uncle Luke's academy. I can't really say that I’m particularly interesting, it's my family that everyone loves, not me. My uncles the galaxy’s golden child, the hero of the Rebellion and Jedi master; the great Luke Skywalker. My parents aren't much better, with the two of them being war heroes, and my mother becoming a senator on top of all that.

Everyone here at the academy has always had these expectations of me that I will be the best at everything, but when I am they resent me for having more control over the force than they do. I can’t do anything right in their eyes. The only person I feel comfortable being around, who won’t judge me or have high expectations of me is Kaleb. He’s my only real friend here.

He doesn’t see me as the son of a princess or the nephew of a revered Jedi, he just sees me as a person like everyone else.

* * *

Entry 2: 

I have had enough of Luke.

During lightsaber practice, I had the upper hand and used it to my advantage, the way I would in a real fight, but Luke stopped me and told me I was reaching for the dark. The thing is, I didn't even realize that it was the Darkside until I saw everyone staring at me and Luke was giving me this look as if he had seen a ghost. He always does that, whenever I lean too dark, he looks like he’s seen the phantom of Darth Vader standing behind me. He never does that with the others if they lean too dark, he's always harder on me, and I know that I’m an adult and should be above this kind of pettiness but when it's your own uncle it hurts. 

“Try not to worry about it,” Kaleb said after practice and we were sitting in a secluded spot behind the temple, “he's probably just worried about showing favouritism but he just went too hard in the other direction.” his argument made sense but if I’m being honest I think he was just cutting Luke too much slack. I didn't want to say anything to Kaleb but he knew that I disagreed; that's the problem with all of us being Jedi, we all know how everyone feels all the time.

Sometimes I feel like everyone’s just waiting for me to break so that they could say, “I always knew he was dark,” and gloat as if it's something to be rewarded for, knowing that your master's nephew and fellow apprentice was dark all along.

I'm not saying that I am a darksider, but sometimes, the way people treat me I feel like I am. I believe it myself sometimes as well when a fight, like today, goes too far and I push too hard and suddenly that whispering starts in my head and killing them would be easy.

So easy…

* * *

Entry 3:

I saw her again, the dream girl. She's not really a dream girl in the sense of somebody I fantasize about but I see her in my dreams so frequently it's as if I know her. These dreams I have, some are just regular dreams but others feel like visions from the force. I've been having them ever since I was ten, and I don't know why I know this specifically but I just remember on my tenth birthday I saw her for the first time. Sometimes the dreams are so real they feel like memories, and other times I know that I’m only dreaming.

This one felt real.

The dream began with both of us in bed, naked and covered in sweat in what looked like some dingy motel in the core. The wallpaper was peeling away and there was a patch of damp just above a door that looked as if it had seen better days. She rested her head against my chest as I leaned up against the headboard that squeaked every time I moved. I tried to keep still because she was tired and probably wanted to get some sleep but every time I breathed I would hear the headboard creek.

“Do you think you’ll have to pay for a new bed frame?” she asked sleepily as I stroked my fingers up and down her spine.

“It was broken when I got here,” that was a lie, we broke it.

“I know your lying,” she said, although there was no anger behind her words, if anything she sounded more playful and flirtatious, “I heard something snap and I know it wasn't your back you old man.” There have been a few times in the dreams when she has called me an old man, and given the context of the current dream, it does worry me a bit, especially because she looked so young.

“Shhhh, no you didn’t,” I whispered into her hair as she started giggling. I don’t know how to describe the scene as anything else other than perfect. I haven’t ever felt that kind of easy happiness with anyone except Kaleb.

“We should get some sleep,” I whispered as I went to lie down, ignoring the sounds of the bed creaking and groaning under the movement,  _ ‘I'll pay for the bed later _ ,’ I thought, feeling slightly embarrassed.

I don’t remember the rest of the dream, but I know that I was happy.

I find it strange how, no matter how frequently she visits my dreams, I can never remember her face afterward. It's always a blur as if I’m not supposed to remember who she is.

Like she will always be a mystery.

* * *

Entry 4:

I wish I saw her again last night. It seems that the more I sleep the more the nightmares come, with the girl being the only thing to break them up. She’s the only reason I don’t dread sleep because I know that there’s a chance that I might see her again.

The dream began with me flying to some backwater planet covered in forests and lakes. As the ship landed I saw a man was sitting on a throne with wooden stalls all around him and spectators watching as these shapes were hanging around him. As I got closer I saw that as he sat on his throne people had been strung up by ropes and were slowly dying around him, their skin turning grey and rotting while they still breathed. In the arena below him were piles of dead bodies that looked like they had already died in a similar way to those who were currently hanging, with expressions of agony permanently etched on their faces and red rings around their necks where the rope had dug into their skin. Around this man, new people were being brought up to the nooses and being strung up to hang, tears in their eyes as they were taken to their deaths. 

One person tried running away, but the guards around the man caught up with her and began beating her and dragging her to her death.

Eventually, I had to look away and I found myself wandering through a nearby market. I tried to ignore how blood stained the cobblestones, and how it flowed like water after heavy rainfall. The scent permeated the air and I did what I could to ignore it, but the metallic smell was almost overpowering. As I wandered the market a group of armed guards apprehended a man for force knows what reason, and pressed him down against one of the stalls where they were selling a variety of fruits and nuts. As he screamed they pressed his shoulders down and one of the guards approached with a blade; not a lightsaber, but one made out of metal. The guard raised the blade above his head, bringing it down on the begging man's neck, removing the head from the body. They then picked up the head and placed it amongst the fruit as blood seeped everywhere as it blinked and its lips were still moving as if he was still alive and begging for a life now lost. They dragged the rest of the body away and left it in the street to rot.

As I looked at the head more closely, I noticed something about it began to change. Slowly it began to grow dark thick hair and his nose became more prominent and the next thing I knew I was looking at myself. As both versions of myself stared at each other he began laughing and I noticed how the bustle of the market had stopped. Blood began flowing more freely from the street and soon it was up to my knees and all the people in the market were staring at me, their throats all slit.

“You did this,” the head croaked, “all of them are dead because of you.” as I looked around I saw so many faces it was overwhelming. Some were students from the academy and others I had never even seen before, but either way, they all looked at me with hate in their eyes as if I was responsible for their deaths. They began to approach me and they all grabbed me and the blood was rising and I began panicking. One of them managed to grab me and as the blood rose they managed to hold my head under to try and drown me in it.

I woke up after that.

The rest of the day I was in a bad mood, or at least worse than usual. Luke even thought it necessary to comment on it in front of everyone. I don't know why he even bothered doing that because he knew that we were going to just get into another argument and everyone would take his side. The only person that didn’t and won't is Kaleb.

He's the only person on this damned planet I can trust.

He knows about the nightmares but I can't tell him the full extent of it because I’m worried that he’ll look at me differently and treat me like everyone else does, as something to be feared, like a bomb that's about to explode.

Sometimes I think that I am one, ticking down the minutes waiting until I destroy everyone and everything in my wake, leaving only ash and death.

* * *

Entry 5:

Today was surprisingly good. Luke had taken the younglings to Illium to find their crystals, along with some of the older students to keep an eye on them, so it was quiet. Kaleb and I decided to go into the Jungle, away from everyone left behind while my uncle was on his field trip. It was nice having just the two of us without interruptions. 

It's hard to say exactly what we did today, besides walk, talk and eat some wild berries we found. Sometimes it's nice to just be around him. I realize that I want more than I can ever have with him, but occasionally it's nice to just pretend that we aren't Jedi and spend time together. 

I think he knows how I feel about him, but either he won't say anything because he doesn't want anything to change or he feels the same way. The last one is probably wishful thinking on my part, but even if it were true it isn't as if we could act on it. Attachments aren't exactly banned but romance is completely out of the question, especially sex or anything that comes even close to passion because they’re “all gateways to the Darkside.”

It's complete Bantha shit.

Today was probably the lightest I've felt in months. There wasn't that inky pool of darkness trying to seep through the cracks, and I can't remember the last time the voice was quiet, but today there was barely a peep. 

“You seem happier today,” Kaleb said when we were having lunch, “more at ease.”

“You think so?” I asked, ignoring the way he sat with his legs spread and one knee in the air.

“Yeah, I haven't seen you this relaxed for a long time,” he said, “you should probably find a way to sneak away from the temple and your uncle more often.”

“I should,” I said, and we left it at that and continued eating.

He is right though, I should try and get away from the temple now and then, especially when Luke is particularly egregious. 

* * *

Entry 6:

All I seem to be writing about are my dreams, whether that be nightmares or the force ones. This one was like a nightmare, but there was that strange tinge of the force that came along with it.

It started with me in a dark room crouching down on a stone floor, barefoot and almost naked except for some briefs. I tried moving but I found that my arms were bound by chains, digging into my wrists, and my feet were held down by manacles that were strapped to the floor. There was a burning sensation ripping along my back to the point of blinding agony.

“You have failed me, apprentice,” the voice growled. It was so familiar, but I could not place it, “sometimes I think the only reason I let you live is because of your bloodline.”

I didn't answer. I desperately wanted to but I knew that a response would only trigger more pain. I tried breathing deeply to alleviate the burning, but it was no use, it was still there. The room didn't do much to help, with fires lit around the small prison I was in, as if it was designed to maximize my agony.

“You of all people should have no objections to using our weapon against the very thing that your parents prioritized over you. A parent is supposed to love their young, but yours put you aside when it was convenient. I am the only one who truly cared for you child, who saw your potential, which is why it is so disappointing that you defy me like this, holding on to loyalties that should have been long dead.”

“Yes master,” I croaked out. Even speaking hurt, “show me how I can earn back your trust.” maybe it was speaking, maybe it was the heat, or maybe it was just the lashes on my back, but the pain was so great I thought I was going to faint. 

“There is one way...” 

I woke up after that, but when I did I thought I was going to be sick. I never heard what the rest of the voice was going to say, but I could only feel dread.

This was a force vision. I can't tell anyone about it because all they would do is tell me to go to Luke and he would only say that force visions cannot be relied upon to tell the future. He's right, but only to a point. He always tells us that force visions always are taken out of context, that something horrifying may turn out to be mundane. The problem is, I don't see how there is any mundane explanation for being chained up and whipped to the point of agonizing pain.

That isn't normal, but he would simply brush it off as always because that's what he does. When he isn't afraid of me he's ignoring me.

There was something else strange about the dream though; it was as if something was fighting back, trying to prevent me from seeing it. There were moments when everything became fuzzy and the picture was unclear. I could feel something that wasn't me fighting the dream, fighting the force.

* * *

Entry 7:

Today Luke had us do a day-long meditation to ‘centre ourselves’ as he said. I know it's about me and I don't even know why he tries to be subtle about it. After the vision where I was chained up, everyone could tell I was on edge, shouting at everyone and getting angry, or at least more so than usual. Even Kaleb was wary of being around me which hurt more than I would ever admit. What kind of person drives away everyone they care about because they fear you? 

I shouldn't have asked that question, because I do. My parents were afraid of my powers and so is my uncle, and I fear that I'm beginning to lose Kaleb to that same fear they all felt; he's been more distant these last few days with his force signature on lock around me so I wouldn't be surprised. I want to resent him, but somehow I can't; I can only understand him. If I truly cared about him I would try and change, but I know that I can't so what's the use?

Every day I feel like I'm drowning, either in the monotony of my daily routine or in darkness, creeping into my soul like a plague, infecting every part of me until all semblance of my old self is gone and replaced with only rot and decay. The worst part is that sometimes I want to just succumb to the growing darkness and let it take me over, that way I will at least be free of the torment and pain I feel every day trying to battle it. Maybe uncle Luke will stop seeing the shadow of Darth Vader whenever he sees any kind of darkness in me, and maybe he'll just fear me; not the ghost of a sith long dead who shouldn’t matter anymore, but for me and the darkness that lies just beneath the surface.

Then usually I wake up and realize that despite being an arrogant idiot, he is my uncle and I love him too much to do that to him and cause him, or my parents, that kind of pain.

The voice tells me that I'm sentimental and weak for feeling that way and I guess I am. I shouldn't care how they feel or what they think seeing as they washed their hands of me years ago, but no matter how hard I try, I still care. 

I think I care about them more than they ever cared about me.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back with chapter two.
> 
> warnings and triggers are in the endnotes, and if you think that there is anything I missed, please do not hesitate to tell me.
> 
> I have put in a chapter count, but it is very subject to change and likely to go up.

Entry 8

She came to me again, this dream girl. I couldn't be sure if it really was a dream or something from the force. Usually, it's clear, but this one was more cloudy as if my sleeping mind and the force were at war with what was the truth and what was fiction. It wasn't as aggressive as when I was in chains, instead, it was more of a peaceful blur.

It was a simple dream really. She looked around fifteen/sixteen and she was just sitting atop a small metal structure watching the sunset over the horizon. The landscape around her was a baron dessert, but the air was cool as a light breeze passed over the dunes.

I wasn't sure what to do, so I sat next to her. She didn't see me there, but I enjoyed it, all the same, the peace and tranquillity of the moment. I could sense her calm as well, and I got the feeling that this was the happiest she had felt in a long time. It broke my heart a bit, to be honest, seeing this young girl alone in a wasteland. In the dream, I had to remind myself that it was simply that, a dream.

I tried talking to her, but it appeared that she didn't hear me, so I went back to watching the daylight fade and the stars begin to appear.

The dream ended after that, but waking up wasn't stressful and I wasn't panicking. For the first time waking up was easy.

The rest of the day I felt at peace and probably the closest to the light side I have ever felt in my life. Everybody noticed it and for the first time, Luke went a day without chastising me or making me feel as if every little thing I did was wrong. Even when I spoke to my mother she told me how happy I appeared before she rushed off to whatever senate meeting she needed to attend. What was even stranger was that I didn’t resent her when she ended the call after only five minutes.

I haven't been able to speak with her much recently. She said that one of the senators has been spreading rumours about her, which she is trying to quash. She's been trying to get a bill for expanded child protections for children without families, but with the rumours about her (what they are I have no idea) she's worried that they could risk the chances of it being passed. I can see how much it means to her, this act, and I understand why. I think she sees herself in every orphan that doesn't have a home like she did, knowing that she could have easily been like them.

I would never admit to it but I worry about her, and I want her bill to get passed, even if it is just to say ‘fuck you’ to the people trying to spin these rumours against her for their own self-interests.

* * *

Entry 9 

I got into a massive fight with Luke again. That seems to be the theme of my training here, fight with Luke and have everyone watch us before they send Kaleb after me because they're sure that he's the only one I don't regularly butt heads with.

We were sparring in the courtyard when it happened. I had been paired with  Aaran Fahey because he was the only other student out who is as skilled as I am with a saber. I know it sounds arrogant but that was only because there was a flu going around and Aaran and I were the only two in the upper levels who hadn't caught it, and in all honesty, I am one of the best swordsmen at the academy. 

The problem with being stuck with Aaran is that we can't stand the sight of each other. It's been that way ever since we were kids and I don't see it changing any time soon. He resents my connection to the force and doesn't try to hide it, if anything he likes to claim that I get special treatment from Luke even though it's painfully obvious that he wants nothing to do with me. 

That's where the trouble begins because he has never tried to hide the fact that he's an asshole to me and I hate him. 

When we were sparring everything was going fine; it was the usual mechanical moves and I almost wasn't thinking because Aaran’s that predictable, but then I felt a flash of something red and dark before everything went cold. It was so small, but so loud at the same time because right there I knew that he wanted to try and kill me. I could feel his intentions, I could feel how he wanted to hurt me, to try and make it look like an accident and then pretend to be wracked with guilt, all so he could get me out of the way. I knew it was there because when we next locked blades and I looked into his eyes I could see the hate that lay there and I knew that he was going to stop holding back.

After that I let loose, using all my energy to try and defend myself from Aaran. As I attacked, taking the advantage away from him, I could feel the voice creeping into my mind.

_ It would be so easy, _ the voice whispered,  _ one single strike and it would all be over. He would never trouble you again. Yes, feel it, revel in it. That's the power of the dark side… _

_ Kill him... _

The voice grew louder as my barrage of attacks continued. I wasn’t holding back, slashing and stabbing with as much force as possible. It was like I wasn’t in control of myself, as if my body had been possessed by someone else. By this point, Aaran was growing tired, even though he had been on the defensive most of the time. He fell backwards and I was going to do it, only for Luke to step in before I landed the fatal blow. 

Once it was all over and the dust began to settle, I looked down and saw Aaran on the ground, covered in cuts and bruises from my attack as he looked at me, terrified. After it all I was still angry; he had no right to look at me with fear when he intended on killing me first. 

“What the fuck was that Solo!” he shouted at me.

“I know what you wanted to do!” I shouted back, “I saw your intentions, you wanted to kill me!”

“What are you talking about?”

“Don’t play the fucking idiot!” I shouted, but he still looked confused and scared, “you were going to make it look like an accident so you would have me out of the way!”

“You arrogant prick!” he spat back as he stood up, “you think that you're so special that I’d want you out of the way? Do you think I’m threatened by Ben fucking Solo? The grown man with no friends who mopes over parents who don’t give two shits about him?”

He was going to say something after that. I think while he was speaking Luke was trying to get him to shut up, but it’s all vague now. All I remember is blinding anger and the sound of Aaran choking. It was like I had gone into that trance again where I wasn’t in control of the force or my actions. He only started breathing again when Luke grabbed me, snapping me out of my trance.

_ He's just like his grandfather. _

It was a fleeting thought from Luke, and probably one he had not intended to allow to slip through the cracks, but I heard it loud and clear. I have no idea what it means or why he would be afraid of me becoming Anakin Skywalker, but I could see that the thought terrified him. I think he dismissed everyone because when I finally looked around me we were alone. 

I’ll spare myself the pain of rewriting the rant in full. It’s nothing I haven’t heard before, only this time he said louder. I tried telling him that Aaran wanted to kill me but he didn’t listen, instead, focusing on the fact that I nearly killed him twice.

Later, the voice told me that I was right to defend myself like that and uncle Luke is a fool.

My uncle is a fool, but I can’t help but feel some regret. Obviously, I would never tell anybody, but looking back, the knowledge that I would have killed him, had Luke not stepped in, terrifies me.

I nearly took someone’s life, and it once did I feel any sort of remorse.

* * *

Entry 10

Kaleb came to me today. I’ve hardly seen anyone recently. It's not just because of the Aaran incident or the fact that everyone’s had the flu, but people are warier of me.

I don’t blame them. Kaleb has always charged headfirst into the lion's den when it comes to me. When other people keep their distance, he’s with me, and I don’t deserve that kindness.

I truly think that Kaleb is one of the last genuinely good people left in this galaxy. He had the kind of childhood where it would be a reasonable expectation that he could become bitter and twisted, and nobody would resent him for it. His parents died when he was young and he spent most of his time in an ‘orphanage’ on the outer rim being worked to half death in a factory. When he wasn't being mistreated he was sick, confined to his bed and close to death due either to the illness itself or neglect. To this day he's never said what was wrong, but he still feels the effects, having trouble breathing and breaking into violent coughing fits, something that could have been avoided if someone looked after him properly. Despite all that, he is one of the most selfless people I know.

When he came over he brought this terrible holo-movie that we both agree is an abomination but love to watch regardless. Everything, from the acting to the story is terrible. We have a joke that no matter how bad something may be, it will never be as bad as  _ The Adventures of Tharan Jetberg: Part One  _ (it never got a sequel by the way). I think that's why he brought it over, to remind both of us.

“I heard about your mom's bill,” he said once it was over and the credits rolled. A few weeks ago I mentioned my mom's proposed child protection laws that she was trying to push through the senate- well that crashed and burned yesterday. They said that it was lack of funding they were worried about, that the cost would be too much and not do enough good to the few people it would help, but that's just Bantha shit. Nobody in their right mind would believe that money was the issue when they spend hundreds of thousands on upholstery every year and no one bats an eye.

No politician who wants to be re-elected would shoot down that proposal unless they thought they had good reason to.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“What could you have done?”

“Nothing, but it could have helped you if it passed,” I said, trying to contain my anger. I’m not sure what I was angry with, if it was the senate’s uselessness, or if it was on Kaleb’s behalf.

“It’s too late to help me,” he said mournfully, making me feel as if there was some hidden meaning behind his words, “but it would be nice to help the others that didn't manage to get out. Do you know why it fell through?”

“It wasn't worries about funding, that's for sure.” I didn't want to say any more than that, and I think he understood because he moved the conversation along to something different. 

When I talked to my mom about it she wasn't very forthcoming about the recent failure. Instead, she decided to chastise me for the Aaran incident, even though I already told her what happened. Apparently last week's rant about the dark side from her and Luke wasn't enough and I needed a second round to really drive the point home. In the end, I caved, interrupting her mid-lecture, asking her if the recent rumours about her had anything to do with the bill’s failure.

When I asked her, something changed and this haunted expression crossed her face like I had asked her about what happened to Alderaan. It was so strange to see that sudden shift in her before she told me she had a meeting to go to and ended the call. 

That was all the confirmation I needed. 

_ She is lying to you, _ the voice whispered, and today, I decided to give it a little more credence. 

* * *

Entry 11

I don't think the nightmares will ever go away.

I've had them for as long as I can remember. As a child, I was terrified of sleeping and as an adult, I'm now just resigned to the nightly terrors that await me. The only thing that breaks up the nightmares is the girl. I'm becoming less and less sure if the force has something to do with her or if she's an invention of my own mind. 

Last night I was standing in an open field where five pyres had been set up with long poles protruding from them. As I stood there a family was brought out screaming and crying, the mother begging the men who were dragging her if they could spare her children, and only take her and her husband. The father begged and pleaded with them as the children screamed, trying to escape, but to no avail. I managed to put two and two together and realized what was going to happen to them.

I tried to scream out and beg the men dragging them to let the children go, but when I tried nothing came out. I attempted to run but I was frozen in place, helpless to watch the final agonizing moments. As I looked on I could see the youngest being dragged, crying and screaming for her mother but she was too far away to be held as she wanted. It was agonizing, hearing them call for their parents, desperate to live and terrified to die. I kept trying to scream and get them to stop but they were brought onto the pyres and tied up. They were thrashing and screaming trying to escape, but there were too many people holding them down. 

The men who dragged the family onto the stakes each grabbed a torch, lit it and brought it down over the wood, to the crescendo of screams. I managed to break free and leapt onto one of the guards, only for him to disappear the moment I touched him. I looked around, noticing how they had all disappeared, only to find that the pyres were raging infernos. The screams had reached their peaks and I realized that I couldn't do anything. Their skin was beginning to melt and I saw that the youngest was already dead, her features blackened and disfigured by the flames. As the rest of the family saw that one of them was already dead their agonizing screams grew louder. 

That was when the dream shifted and I found myself tied up on an unlit pyre. When I looked around I saw the family standing around me, blackened and disfigured from the flames, expressions of agony burnt onto their faces. They were corpses each holding a torch, slowly lowering them to light me on fire. I begged them not to but they all looked at me as the flames touched the wood and began to burn. 

“You did nothing,” the youngest one croaked out, “you let me die. You let my mother and father die. You let my brothers die.”

“I tried!” I shouted as I struggled against the ropes that bound me, digging into my skin.

“But it wasn’t enough,” the father whispered as the flames began to lick at my skin, growing higher and higher.

Before I was engulfed in flames I woke up, my skin hot and burning. I pushed the sheets off me and tore my shirt off, feeling my skin for any burn marks. It took a moment for me to remember that it was only a dream and I wasn't being burned alive by a family I failed to save. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get the image of the families out of my mind. Their screams are still ringing in my ears.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings/ triggers:
> 
> Entry 8: n/a
> 
> Entry 9: Ben nearly kills an apprentice after believing that they are going to attempt to kill him. also, mention of people coming down with a virus.
> 
> Entry 10: virus mention along with references to a childhood illness that a character never fully recovered from. also mentions of child neglect during a period of illness.
> 
> Entry 11: one of Ben's nightmares involving a family with young children being burnt at the stake. he is unable to help them and eventually burnt himself.
> 
> thank you for reading


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back with chapter 3!
> 
> WARNING: THE FIRST ENTRY DESCRIBES A VISION OF REY BEING ATTACKED AND NEARLY RAPED ON JAKKU. Rey is never raped and instead, she kills him in self-defence. the entry as a whole is quite gory and if you don't want to read that I would recommend you skip the whole of entry 12.
> 
> other warnings are in the endnotes and I do go into the reason for the existence of entry 12.

Entry 12

I saw the girl again last night but this felt like one of my usual nightmares, even though there were the prophetic threads of the force weaved within. This time I was just a passive viewer, watching as all the events unfolded, wishing I could do something. 

It began in what looked like a traveller’s outpost on some desert planet around midday. I could see the girl, at a table cleaning off what looked like engine parts with a group of other people, all keeping to themselves as they worked. Usually, when I see her she's an adult, but this time she appeared to be around twelve or thirteen. She was covered in dirt and looked exhausted as she worked, keeping to the shade that a thin fabric cover provided to those underneath it.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see a group of human men standing around and watching some of the people at the cleaning station. I couldn't help but notice one of the men was staring at the girl as she worked, and clearly, she noticed him too because she began scrubbing faster as she looked around her. Once she had finished, she got up and went to trade the pieces for these plastic blue pouches which she placed into a bag at her side, and left. I followed her through the outpost, only to notice that the man was following her as well. 

Without thinking I went to try and stop him, but he just walked straight through me, reaching the girl and grabbing her arm. It wasn't hard, but it was enough to scare her.

“Hello young lady,” he said with a predatory smile, exposing his rotting teeth.

“Get off me,” she demanded, trying to pull her arm away, only for his grip to tighten, “I know Terra sent you and you can tell him that he can fuck off! I already gave Plutt the parts and they weren’t worth much.”

“Is that so…”

“And I only got a quarter portion so I have nothing to give you.”

“I don’t think that’s entirely true is it?” He snarled, eyes trailing her body.

“Get off me!” she screamed in a panic, pushing him off of her and running a short distance, only for him to catch up with her. His arm clamped around her waist, holding both of her arms down to restrain her, while he covered her mouth with his hand, locking her head in place to stop her from head butting him. In the panic, I could see the glint of a blade strapped to his hip reflecting in the hot afternoon sun. It was an ugly, jagged thing with a serrated edge on one side, built only for the purpose of killing.

The moment I saw the knife I tried to pull him off of her but I kept passing through him. Nobody around her did anything to help, and she didn't have anything to defend herself with. She kept screaming for someone to help her, but nobody came. Instead, the area began to clear out somewhat as if people were trying to avoid witnessing what was happening.

She kept fighting as he pulled her into the tent, tears streaming down her face, but at that moment something shifted. It was as if she had realized something and I saw the briefest glimmer of hope. Then, as they passed through the entrance of the tent, the man suddenly howled with pain and released her as he clutched his thigh. 

She stood in front of him, holding the knife that was strapped to his hip but was now covered in blood. He looked like he was going to run but she lunged again, sinking the knife into his stomach. The man let out another choked cry of pain and by this point, she realized what she had done.

As he collapsed on the ground the girl stabbed him again, blood spurting from his lips onto her face as he screamed in pain. By this point it was a mercy kill, only she never managed to quite kill him. She kept pulling out the knife and plunging it back into him, each time expecting him to be dead, but each time he continued screaming, spraying her with blood that mixed with her tears. 

Eventually, she landed the killing blow to his heart as a fountain of blood spurted out all over her as the man finally died on the blood-soaked sand. She kept crying, perhaps out of regret for killing the man, but she wouldn’t stop looking at her hands which were now red bright red. 

At some point, she ran off, but I stayed behind. The last thing I remember before waking up is seeing the mutilated body, clothes torn and a few organs exposed due to the sheer number of times he had been stabbed. 

I don’t get why she appeared to regret it. He was going to hurt her and was probably going to hurt others in the future if she let him live. The galaxy is better off without scum like him. 

* * *

Entry 13

For as long as I can remember, the voice has been my constant companion. It’s not an inner monologue, no, it doesn’t come from within. There’s someone in my head but it’s not me. It’s always telling me  _ things.  _ Whether it’s letting me know if I’m not being told something, or if it’s telling me someone’s true intent.

I’ve never told anybody about the voice. They would think I’m going slightly mad if they knew about the voice in my head that talks to me and guides me. Even writing this I feel crazy but I know I’m not.

The voice tells me that I’m not mad.

The voice doesn’t chastise me for feeling angry and using it as a tool rather than shying away from it. It tells me that by using all the tools at my disposal I will become more powerful than any other force user in history. The voice tells me I’m powerful.

I’m not mad.

It gets louder every day, influencing my thoughts and sometimes my actions to the point where I’m not sure if I’m in control. Some days it’s like I’m suffocating and others it’s like a veil has been lifted from my eyes and I am seeing the galaxy clearly for the first time. A clarity that only the voice can provide.

I’m  _ not  _ mad.

Once when I was a child it told me that I should get back at the boy who made fun of my nose, ears, and everything else about me. When I did get back at him the teachers were worried that I had killed him. I hadn’t. He was winded after he went flying into the wall, nothing close to death, but after that, my parents sent me to Luke. 

I’m not mad…

Maybe if I keep telling myself that, I’ll start to believe it.

* * *

Entry 14

Years ago my mother told me that children are good judges of character because they aren't worried about normal social conventions and won't be shy about letting you know how they feel about someone. I think that was something her parents told her when they were trying to rationalize her force sensitivity seeing as they didn’t have any other children for comparison. I only mention this because Lyra pointed it out today when we went into the village about ten miles from us. 

Every now and then we’ll make the trek out there if Luke lets us, although people still go even if he says no. A few years ago Aaran was sneaking out almost every night and it wasn't until someone saw him the next morning wandering through the town with a girl that we realized why. We even had a bet going as to why he was leaving every night—- I said selling spice, Mina said he was making money showing off his powers, Kaleb said he was seeing someone, and Lyra said that we should all shut up. Kaleb won in the end.

I was wandering around the market looking for some new pens and ink when this little girl with a nest of wild hair approached me. At first, I thought she wanted to look at something one of the vendors was selling so I tried to move out of her way to let her through but she was just staring at me.

“Do you need something, kid?” I asked, unsure of how to talk to her.

“You're tall,” she pointed out.

“Yes, I am.”

“I’m Yasmin. Can you brush my hair? My daddy tried but he wasn't very good at it.” I’m not entirely sure why she came to me specifically but I obliged nonetheless. I never actually thought that I would put my hair braiding skills to any use, so at least I know that those hours spent with my mother weren't a total waste of time.

She already had a brush with her so we sat on the curb and I began working out the knots in her hair, doing my best not to hurt her. I tried my best to focus on the task at hand but I could sense people staring at us, and to be fair, I understand; we did make an unusual sight, a six-foot-something Jedi braiding a five-year-old girl's hair.

“Hey, looks like Solos made a friend!” Aaran shouted, getting everyone's attention.

“We’re friends?” The girl asked excitedly, whipping her head around making me lose my grip on the braid meaning I’d have to start again.

“Do you want to be?”

“Yes!” she said enthusiastically, “let's be friends!”

“Okay.” 

“What's your name?”

“Ben.”

Eventually, her dad found us and began telling her off for running away but did thank me for doing her hair, even if he was suspicious of me at first. After that, it seemed that there was a lineup of children asking me to do their hair for them while I was side-eyed by suspicious parents. 

I'm pretty sure every long-haired child of Ledra approached me before the day was out.

When we got back to the temple (yes I managed to get the ink and pens I was looking for) I had intended on coming back to my hut alone but Kaleb joined me and we had dinner together. It wasn't in a romantic way or anything, but he didn't go to the village so he picked up some food from the mess and brought it along.

“I heard about your little fan club,” he said, “Lyra commed me and told me that you made a new friend and that I shouldn't get jealous.” my stomach flipped when he said that. I know that it was all in jest but I was worried that people had noticed my feelings for him and the prospect of people finding out terrifies me.

“And I can see you’re seething with jealousy,” I quipped, trying to hide my fear.

“Well you've never braided my hair and according to the little girl that's the basis of any friendship with Ben Solo.”

“I guess I'll have to rectify that,” I said with more confidence. He agreed and I moved behind him calling the comb and hair ties to my hand. His hair’s long enough that I have something to work with, so I began running my fingers over his scalp before taking the brush to it. Almost simultaneously we both clamped down on our force signatures, not letting the slightest hint of emotion permeate through the force. I decided not to analyze why he would do that too much, so I just focused on how soft his hair felt between my fingers and how I wanted to press a kiss to the back of his neck.

We were both silent for the process, only the sounds of our breathing could be heard over the deafening silence. I don't think I actually paid any attention to what I was braiding into his hair as if I was in some sort of trance, and when I snapped out of it I realized what was written in his hair.

On Alderaan, there was a long tradition of braids and their meanings. Every strand of hair holds significance for different styles and is dependent on a person's rank and who is doing the braiding. That's why I should have paid more attention to what I was saying. For anyone else that style would have been a sweet gesture but coming from me, it's so much more.

Even though the planet’s long gone my mother was their princess and is still considered such, making me the defunct Prince of Alderaan. Two braids on either side of a man's head usually mean that you hold him in high regard, but if performed by a member of the royal family it isn't just a symbol of respect, it's an admission of love. 

“Are we friends now?” he asked jokingly, force signature still unreadable.

“Yes we’re friends now,” I replied, rolling my eyes.

He turned to look at me and my heart just about stopped. Maybe it was the way the braids framed his face but he looked even more handsome than usual, and the dim light casting shadows on his face gave him an almost mysterious quality. it was probably just the poor lighting, but his pupils had blown wide and his lips had parted ever so slightly. I could only hope that he couldn’t see how hard I was blushing or hear how I was trying to keep my breathing even.

“Can— can you take them out? They’re… they look great but if I try to take them out later I’ll probably tear out my hair and you know that premature balding is my greatest fear,” his breathing had increased and he seemed nervous as he asked me, even with the joke tagged in at the end. 

I really hope he couldn’t see my face because I’m pretty sure I turned redder than the surface of Dathomir. I should probably explain that on Alderaan, taking down someone’s braids was considered incredibly intimate, so for me, this was like he had just asked if I wanted to have sex.

I agreed and slowly undid all my previous work. I might have taken slightly longer than I needed just so I could run my hands through his hair again, committing the feeling to memory. At one point I could hear his breathing hitch as I took a long drag over his scalp. I tried not to think too much of it but after it happened his force signature almost disappeared it was so closed off.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said once I finished.

Nearly as soon as the door had closed behind him I passed out on my bed. I think I was keeping my force signature so tightly closed it drained all my energy. I’m only writing this now at two in the morning because I want to make sure that I remember every detail; from his soft hair, his warm breath, to the smell of his freshly washed robes. I want all of it imprinted in my memory because looking back it’s given me something I haven’t felt in a long time…

Hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> entry 12: if you read the diary of Rey she briefly mentions being attacked when she was thirteen. i wanted to build on this but I also wanted to show how strong the connection between rey and ben is. in entry 9 bens actions parallel reys in that they both 1) see a threat, 2) act in self defence, and 3) are presented with an opportunity where they can walk away but continue to attack (Ben chokes Aaran after the fight and Rey continues to stab her attacker after he is incopasitated). its supposed to blur the lines between their responsibility for their own actions and show the influence of the force bond.
> 
> entry 13: discussions of 'madness' in reference to snokes voice in his head manipulating him.
> 
> entry 14: N/A


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back everyone!
> 
> sorry for the long wait, uni work has been relentless and I started another fic so poor old ben fell by the wayside a bit.
> 
> warnings in the endnotes.

Entry 15

This nightmare was simple.

I was on a boat, floating in the middle of an ocean, slowly dying.

I was starving and dehydrated. All around me there were dead fish, floating belly up. I went to grab one but I saw the distinctive red markings of a Deianira fish and realized if I were to eat it, I would be poisoned instantly. When slowly dying that may sound like an easy out, but the poison would take days to kill the person who consumed it, leaving them writhing in excruciating pain with no end in sight. 

There was a certain irony to it all; everything I needed to live, so tantalizingly close yet all useless; the water was undrinkable and the food poisoned. 

I had hoped that the dream would be over before the real pain set in, but the sun in the sky got hotter and I could feel myself desperately holding onto that thread keeping me from death. It took so long and I was so dehydrated that I didn’t even have enough water for tears. I tried calling out for help but my throat was dry and my cry turned into a pathetic whisper. 

I’m glad that I can't describe the pain I felt as I wasted away on that raft; it was excruciating and I’m not sure that I want to relive it.

Is dying that painful?

* * *

Entry 16

Yesterday was shit.

The nightmares were unrelenting to the point I was forcing myself to stay awake. It didn't help that the voice kept telling me that somebody wanted me dead to the point where I was trying to keep everyone, even Kaleb, away from me. I didn't eat anything because I was afraid that while I was in the crowded canteen the voice would tell me to do  _ something. _

I was sleep-deprived and starving, so at midnight, I decided to cave and head to the kitchens in the main temple. As far as I knew everybody else was asleep so I knew that I wouldn't be disturbed while I ate. I’m not the best cook in the world, but I managed to scramble some eggs well enough that it would calm the dull ache in my stomach.

For the most part, I ate in peace until I heard voices travelling through the air vents. I wondered who it could have been before I realized that Luke’s office was right above the kitchen and I could hear everything he was saying. As soon as it hit me I masked my force signature so he wouldn't recognize me.

_ “Casterfo knows,”  _ a voice said over what sounded like a comms unit,  _ “I don't know how but he knows about him.” _

“Are you sure?” Luke asked, voice filled with concern.

_ “You know about senatorial gossip,” _ and that was when I knew that the person on the other side of that call was my mother. The woman who hasn't spoken to me since her bill fell through.

“I know about gossip,” he said, “but that's usually along the lines of somebody having an affair with their secretary, not this. Does anyone believe it?”

_ “Why do you think the bill fell through?”  _ it was a rhetorical question,  _ “he must have some kind of evidence or at least the promise of providing some for enough people to believe him.” _

“Leia I know…”

_ “No, you don't, Luke. You have no idea what it's like for me, so just because you had it in you to forgive that monster doesn't mean that I need to extend that same undeserved courtesy to him.” _ in all my life I have never heard such venom in my mother’s voice.

They were both quiet, and for a moment neither of them spoke, my mother’s words hanging heavy in the air.

“Do you think he's going to say anything publicly?”

_ “I don't know, I don't know…” _

“I guess I should ask you, do you think he believes it himself or is he just saying this for his own political benefit.”

_ “I can't be sure _ … _ I’d look into his mind like you taught me, but if he found out it would make everything worse. ” _

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

_ “Not right now, but maybe in the future.”  _

“Okay…”

_ “How’s Ben?” _ I shouldn't have been so surprised that she asked about me, but hearing my name still came as a shock. She hasn’t even bothered to call me herself but she's asking Luke like she really cares.

“He’s fine,” he said, “I’m assuming you don't want him to learn about this?”

_ “Obviously. He can never know about this, it would crush him.” _ she said,  _ “Han doesn't agree with me, but it's for the best.” _

“How come?”

_ “He thinks we should have been honest from the start, but how do you tell a child this? I refuse to accept it even now, so how would a child come to terms with it?” _

“If it makes you feel any better, there are days when I wish I never knew.”

After that they said goodbye and I decided to leave before the temptation and curiosity won out and I ran upstairs and asked him what it is they’re keeping from me. The voice has always told me that my parents were lying to me and that they have never been fully honest with me, and I’m starting to realize that it's true. 

Every family has its secrets, that goes without saying, but I think that I’m at the point where I can handle whatever ugly truth it is they want to hide from me. That being said, I have no idea if it is a family secret or if it’s something else, but the fact that they want to keep it from me makes me suspicious.

It also reminds me why I shouldn’t trust them. 

* * *

Entry 17

I think people with strong connections to the force are destined to be royally fucked up.

The force has a sick sense of humour, sending force-sensitive individuals visions of the future but making them powerless to change it in any way. If it isn’t visions then it’s usually dreams that feel so real it’s hard to distinguish what is the truth and what is all in your head. I think that’s why we are all so messed up.

Occasionally someone will see something and usually, they will go very quiet, and maybe cry. After that, they manage to move on and continue their training, but not without the lecture from Luke. I think that I get them more frequently than most people, but even then I can never be sure if it is some kind of prophecy or just the force messing with me. 

This morning I woke up to the sounds of screaming and the sharp feeling in force of terror from somebody close by. Without hesitation, I grabbed my lightsaber and ran out to find it. I wasn’t alone, Aaran had also been woken up and we both exchanged a look of concern before running towards the tortured cries. 

We realized that it was coming from Kassandra’s hut and we picked up our pace. She never excelled with lightsaber combat and her connection to the force isn’t the strongest, so if she was being attacked she was in more danger than the rest of us. Aaran was especially concerned given that their cousin; I could feel the fear rolling off of him in tidal waves.

“Sandy!” He yelled as he broke out into a sprint, as another scream ripped through the air and he realized it was her.

When we got there, the door was already open and Lyra was sitting on the floor with her trying to calm her down, but she appeared inconsolable. Her face was bright red and tears were pouring from her eyes. The room looked like it had been ransacked, and I could see that she had cut herself on something as spots of blood were dotted about the room and once white fabric was tied around her hand.

“I don’t know what happened,” Lyra said to Aaran, her hands and voice shaking in distress. By this point, there was a crowd of people who had come out thinking that she was being attacked. I didn’t realize that my lightsaber was still on, but when Kassandra saw it a whole new wave of terror came over her and she was screaming again.

I swear, when she looked at me there was nothing but fear in her expression. It was like, instead of a lightsaber, I was holding a severed head.

“Solo, switch off the fucking blade!” Aaran shouted at me before turning back to his cousin, “Sandy, what happened?” he asked as she eventually calmed down. Luke was here now, telling everyone else to leave, except for me, Lyra and Aaran because we got to her first and we saw the worst of it.

“T—there was fire,” she croaked out, “and s—screaming, and death…” her voice trailed off and her eyes glazed over as a haunted expression crossed her face, “it was a vision. There was so much death, so many voices crying out in pain. The temple was burning and there were bodies everywhere. We are all going to die.”

“Kassandra,” Luke began evenly, preparing to give his usual speech about the reliability of visions, “you know sometimes it can be difficult to tell when a dream is a vision or just a dream—”

“You don’t believe me?” She interrupted.

“They can feel very real when you’re in the moment, but in the morning it’s nothing more than a nightmare.” 

“Y—you don’t know, you didn’t see…”

“But I have seen enough to know the difference.” She looked at him, totally crestfallen, as he rejected her visions, “visions don't usually elicit this kind of a response.”

“Sandy, remember you used to get them when we were kids?” Aaran said, trying to soften the blow of Luke’s words, “you thought the world was ending. You ran onto grandma’s balcony back when she lived on Hosnian Prime and said the sun died and the sky was red. It never actually happened, it was just a nightmare.” He seemed to do a better job at comforting her, although she didn’t seem fully placated.

“Who died?” I asked, drawing confused looks, “in your vision, you said that bodies were lying everywhere. Did you recognize any of them?” 

She contemplated what I said before shaking her head. After that, we all helped to clean up her room and tell Luke what we all saw. 

I would never say this out loud, but Luke and Aaran are right. Kassandra never had the strongest connection to the force, and most of her ability manifests itself in the form of being able to sense people’s emotions. Something like force visions only happens to those who have an incredibly close connection with it. 

Even with that knowledge, the way she reacted when she saw me doesn’t sit right with me. The pure fear in her eyes…

The voice left me alone today. All I had were my own thoughts to keep me company.

After today, with Kassandra’s screams ringing in my ears I think that’s worse.

* * *

Entry 18

There’s something wrong with Kaleb.

When he was a child he was sick a lot and it affects him to this day. He’ll break into these violent coughing fits at random, and we’ve all grown accustomed to it, but lately, they’ve become more frequent. There’s something about his skin that seems greyish and devoid of life. 

I tried asking him if something was wrong but he just said he hasn’t been sleeping well recently and brushed me off. I know that’s not it, but he wouldn’t let me press it so I had to leave it.

He’s been so quiet lately, even when it’s just the two of us. To fill the silence he asks me to braid his hair, for him. It’s such an odd request but I do it all the same. I’ve been taking as long as I can without raising any suspicion from him. I don’t know when else I’d get a chance to run my hands through his hair, or be able to get so close to him that I can ‘accidentally’ brush against the nape of his neck.

Every time I do that he shudders slightly, reminding me that everything I feel is one-sided. Still, despite the visible discomfort at having his neck touched, I still do it. 

“Honestly, I never thought you would be into having your hair braided,” I commented, taking a particularly long drag of my fingers through his hair. I swear as I did that he leaned back into my touch as he took in a long, deep breath.

It was late at night and I think we were the only people awake. The regular lights of the hut were too harsh and would wake up the people nearby so the room was lit with a small lamp and a few candles. I want to say that last night's atmosphere was almost romantic if it weren’t for the torrential downpour hammering against the roof.

“It’s relaxing,” he sighed, “it’s like I’m getting a massage.” I tried to read his force signature but once again I was hitting a wall.

He was going to say something else, but he broke out into another coughing fit. I wanted to help but there was nothing I could do. I considered trying to pat his back but I was worried I would accidentally hit him and do more damage than good.

When it didn’t end he stepped away, putting more distance between us and turning his back. I swear that I could see tears forming in his eyes as he coughed up his lungs.

“Kaleb are you okay?” I asked, stepping towards him, only him to move, creating even more distance between us.

“I’m fine,” he whispered with red-rimmed eyes, “I should go.”

I didn’t stop him. 

I should have asked him what was wrong, but I didn’t, I just let him go.

He opened the door and took one final look at me to say goodbye before closing the door behind him with a flourish strong enough to extinguish the candles on my desk.

For a moment I just stood there, staring at the door, listening to the rain assault the roof.

I know Kaleb isn’t well, but I don’t know why he would hide it from me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings:
> 
> entry 15: describes a nightmare where Ben is dying. the Deianira fish is something I made up, but Deianira was the wife of Heracles who accidentally killed her husband when she mistakenly gave him a poisoned shirt.
> 
> entry 16: N/A
> 
> entry 17: not really any warnings but anyone who is familiar with the story of Cassandra in Greek mythology knows how heavy-handed I am being with the symbolism here. for anyone who doesn't know, Cassandra was given the gift of prophecy but she was cursed to never be believed so when she saw the fall of Troy everyone brushed her off and ignored her.
> 
> entry 18: references to a childhood illness and its long-term effects.
> 
> thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!


End file.
